“School is a social world,” says school psychologist David Sylvestro. “Social success rather than academic prowess is the prized currency of your child’s day-to-day life.” Yet for many kids with LD and ADHD, establishing and maintaining social relationships is a struggle. Why? “Because it takes courage to engage with other kids,” Sylvestro explains, “and their low self-esteem often gets in the way.”
Struggles in the classroom and on the playground leave scars. It’s hard to initiate relationships when you begin with a defeatist attitude, interpret responses pessimistically, have unrealistic expectations for relationships, are uncomfortable taking risks, or have a long history of social failure. Moreover, many of these kids are terrified of failing in front of their peers, and their feelings of isolation, social disconnection, and depression exacerbate their already flagging self-worth.
Imagine venturing into a social situation fraught with potential rejection, humiliation, confusion, intimidation, and failure without the “protective cushion” of self-esteem.
Promoting Self-Esteem
Because self-esteem is the foundation of social ability, helping your child become more socially competent begins by boosting their self-esteem. To do that Sylvestro suggests the following strategies:
- Focus on what your child does right and tell them about it. Your child will still have shortcomings, but their steps toward improvement are important. When giving advice, praise their efforts: “I love the way you waited for your brother to explain his idea. Next time, wait until he’s finished before responding.”
- Be willing to “O.W.N.” part of the process for your child. Orchestrate, Welcome, and Network. Kids lack initiative—help them get started by speaking with teachers and networking with other parents to find a good match for a play date.
- Recognize and respond to your child’s feelings before you make suggestions. It’s easy to tell your kids what to do. Rather than coming up with solutions right away, focus on what they’re feeling first. If they’re feeling rejected, blamed, or mistreated, don’t start off by telling them they should feel differently.
- Prepare them for the ebbs and flows of social interactions. Kids often have high expectations; help them understand that all relationships don’t always pan out the way they hope, and help them develop strategies to deal effectively with disagreements and disappointments.
- Resist the temptation to over-analyze your child’s performance in social situations. Let go of your instinct to look only at what they’re doing wrong; focus instead on the things they’re doing right.
- Praise your child’s progress via “third-party checks.” For example, “Dad and I were just talking and he told me you’re doing so well playing with your brother.” Kids find this validating, especially when it involves siblings.
- Reward direction, not perfection. Praise movement toward the goal, and anchor it in specifics: Nice going in setting up the Monopoly board for the group.”
- Design ways for your kids to make positive contributions to the family by participating in family chores. It’s important for them to feel that they’re responsible for something and can do it well, so take care to match their tasks to their abilities.
- Create an “interest inventory” with your kids and help them select extra-curricular activities accordingly. Explore and find ways for them to meet and become involved with other kids who have similar interests (e.g. Dungeons & Dragons; karate; after-school clubs).
This article is based on Staying Engaged on the Social Front: Promoting Self-Esteem at Home and at School, a presentation by school psychologist David Sylvestro at the Smart Kids with LD Parent Conference. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is Executive Director of SPED*NET, www.spednet.org, and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids.