Conventional wisdom suggests that kids who act out are manipulative, attention-seeking, coercive, limit-testing, or unmotivated; the way to deal with them is to overpower and control them. In contrast, Ross W. Greene, child psychologist and pioneer in the field of oppositional behavior, says that approach has the opposite effect: By imposing harsh discipline, we push our kids further away and perpetuate their negative behaviors.
Based on decades of research with thousands of kids, Greene maintains that challenging behavior occurs when parents and teachers place expectations on kids that they know kids cannot meet, yet insist that they do.
“Our children’s concerning behavior,” says Greene, “is how they let us know there’s an expectation they’re having difficulty meeting an unsolved problem.”
“Traditional methods of discipline aren’t going to solve those problems,” he adds.
Instead, Greene frames it this way: “Kids do well if they can—not kids do well if they want to.” In his experience, kids want to do well. When they don’t do well, it’s because their skills are lagging or unsolved problems are getting in the way.
Instead of punishing bad behavior, Greene makes the case for focusing on the problems underlying those bad behaviors and solving them. When discipline is used—with a focus on punishing challenging behaviors—the problems causing the behaviors remain unsolved.
A Better Approach
Following are several strategies Greene advocates to help you make the shift from punishment to problem-solving with your child:
- Solve the problems collaboratively, not unilaterally. It’s not your job to know what’s causing the challenging behaviors; it’s your job to know how to find out. “Don’t hypothesize,” stresses Greene. “Ask your child what’s getting in the way.” Your child’s voice matters; treat them as a partner for coming up with potential solutions. It’s important to let them feel heard.
- Don’t be late. Solve the problems proactively, not reactively. “Don’t try to intervene in the heat of the moment,” advises Greene. “Once a child is spinning out of control, putting them in a calming corner or asking them, ‘What’s the color of your emotion?’ isn’t helpful.” Instead, anticipate problems as you do in your daily life. Crisis prevention begins way before de-escalation, and 99% of what you should be doing should be planned and proactive. If you identify two pieces of information—what are your child’s unsolved problems; and what skills are needed to solve them—you should be able to address their frustrations proactively.
- Focus on equity, not equality. “Equality means treating every child the same. Equity means meeting kids where they are,” says Greene. Just as teachers use differentiated instruction based on each student’s needs, your goal is to make sure that your child gets what they need, based on who they are.
- Apply Plan B. Plan B refers to Greene’s collaborative, empathetic problem-solving model, which is aimed at helping kids and caregivers hear each other’s concerns and work toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory. It begins with gathering information from the child about what’s making it hard for them to meet a particular expectation, continues with caregivers articulating why it’s important that the expectation be met, and concludes with a solution that addresses the concerns of both parties.
- Use the ALSUP. The Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems(ALSUP) is intended for use as a discussion guide to identify specific lagging skills and unsolved problems pertaining to your child.
To learn more about Dr. Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model for managing challenging behaviors, access Lives in the Balance, the non-profit founded by Greene to provide guidance, materials, and resources to parents, educators, and clinicians.
This article is based on the presentation by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., Moving from Power and Control to Collaboration and Problem Solving: Things We Can Change. Dr. Greene, a leading authority on Oppositional Defiant Disorder, is the originator of the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model and founding director of the nonprofit Lives in the Balance. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is President of SPED*NET and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids.