Leslie Josel
Leslie Josel is the Principal of Order Out of Chaos, an organizing consulting firm specializing in student organizing. She is the author of several books, including the recently published How to Do It Now…Because It’s Not Going Away, as well as the creator of the award-winning Academic Planner: A Tool for Time Management.
Teaching life skills is crucial to helping teens with ADHD and learning differences become responsible and self-sufficient individuals. Following are some questions and suggestions to help you get started.
Are You Doing Things Your Son Can Do On His Own?
Be honest with yourself. If you’re still doing things for him that he can do independently, it’s time to take stock and let go. Swooping in and taking over isn’t doing your son any favors. While you may feel that you’re helping, you may also be sending the message that he’s incapable. The more kids hear or think that, the less likely they will rise to the occasion and assume responsibility for themselves.
As parents, we’re natural fixers and problem solvers. If we’re honest with ourselves, sometimes it’s easier and faster to do things for them. It takes patience and persistence to take a step back so our children can take a step forward. But it’s paramount for their future success.
Action Tip: Start letting go of anything you do for him with minimal stakes. Pinpoint certain chores or responsibilities that don’t affect anyone else in your home if they’re not completed on time. Examples include having your son be responsible for his laundry or cleaning his bedroom.
Who Is Ultimately Responsible?
Does he get out of bed on his own in the morning? Does he get to school on time with minimal prompting?
Think about it: If everyone around him cares more than he does or works harder than he does, what is the likelihood he’ll put in the necessary work to learn the skill and take ownership of it?
I know what you’re thinking. On the one hand, you want your son to be independent and do things on his own. On the other, you may fear that left to his own devices, things may fall through the cracks. That may very well happen. As a parenting coach, I often see this emotional tug-of-war firsthand. The important thing to remember is that as long as you’re the one in charge, your son will let you be.
I’m not suggesting that you turn over the reins without teaching him the necessary skills to manage them. You must feel confident that he understands what’s being asked of him and knows how to do it.
Action Tip: Ask your son to perform small daily tasks, such as taking out the trash or filling the dog’s water bowl. Successfully completing small tasks may boost his confidence to tackle more daunting responsibilities.
Does Your Son Excel at a Skill?
Here’s why this is so important. Teaching life skills doesn’t have to be boring or heavy-handed. It can be fun and light. So, if your son is a whiz at the guitar or a baker who whips up fabulous creations, ask him to teach you. In doing so, he’ll have to utilize life skills. For example, our son taught my husband how to play the ukulele. To do that he had to make schedules, sketch lesson plans, and even create a practice area in our home. In the process, he was using and practicing organization, time management, planning, and prioritizing skills.
My best advice is to leave the expiration date off teaching your son life skills. This will only frustrate you if you feel that time is ticking. As a parenting coach and a parent of young adults living on their own, I can tell you that you never stop teaching life skills to your children!
This article was first printed in ADDitude Magazine, where Leslie Josel writes a column called “Dear ADHD Family Coach®.” She answers readers’ questions on a range of ADHD parenting topics.
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