Parenting a child with LD or ADHD can be challenging. The ongoing uncertainty (will they be happy, do well in school, succeed in life?), coupled with the day-to-day stress of dealing with their dysregulated behavior (is it intentional or are they doing their best?), can put a strain on even the most well-intentioned parents. Given these concerns, how can you help your child develop the social-emotional skills they need to know their strengths and challenges, get along with others, and manage big feelings?
There is overwhelming research that shows social-emotional skills are essential for a child to be ready to learn and to thrive in school and life. The benefits include improved academic performance, enhanced coping skills, increased resilience, and reduced emotional distress.
Two important foundational skills of social-emotional learning are self-awareness and self-regulation. Following are ways in which you can help your child build these fundamental skills, which will have a positive impact on their life at home and in school.
Self-Awareness & Emotion Coaching
By being your child’s emotion coach, you can help them learn to identify and express their feelings. Here’s how:
- Connect with your child and help them name how they are feeling. Naming a feeling makes us feel more in control of that feeling. If your child has trouble labeling the emotion, be curious and ask questions. For example, “You seem upset right now. Is that right? Did something happen to make you upset?”
- Validate how your child feels. Listen with empathy and don’t judge because all feelings are OK. Don’t teach your child that some feelings should be suppressed because they make you uncomfortable. This does not mean that your child’s behavior is always OK. Feelings and actions are different. You might say, “I can understand that you’re upset because your sister wouldn’t include you when her friends came over, but that doesn’t mean you can make a scene and scream at her.”
- Set limits and help your child problem-solve. For example, “Next time you’re disappointed and you get upset, what can you do to feel better?”
Self-Regulation & Calming Strategies
Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and reactions. Self-regulation skills help us to be responsive rather than reactive. This involves knowing your triggers, your typical responses, and alternative ways to stay calm.
Sometimes children do not have the brain maturation or emerging skills to stay calm, so parents need to function as co-regulators. There are a few steps in this process:
- Notice when your child begins to feel stressed or angry. Coach them to recognize their body signals, such as muscle tension or a fast heartbeat. Can they recognize their negative thinking when a situation is overwhelming? Do they react by raising their voice or quickly getting out of control? The sooner your child recognizes these signals, the sooner they can stop, breathe, and use calming tools to stay focused and relaxed.
- Help your child create a toolbox with calming strategies to use when overwhelmed, angry, or upset. This can include mindfulness and relaxation activities (deep breathing, listening to music, drawing, hugging a pet), or sensory-motor activities such as aerobic exercise, weighted blankets, or resistance activities such as push-ups or heavy work. Help your child create a chill-out area that creates a sense of safety, includes their chosen calming tools, and gives them time to rebalance and resume regular routines.
- Recognize that your child learns from your behavior. Be aware of how you talk about feelings and how you model effective coping skills when you’re upset.
Most importantly, stay connected and let your child know that you will help them learn to regulate their feelings, stay focused, and have satisfying relationships. An added benefit will be less strain and a calmer atmosphere at home.
In summary, here are the action steps to help your child build their emotional intelligence:
- Be aware of how you feel
- Be aware of your child’s emotions
- Connect and help your child label his feelings
- Be empathic and validate your child’s feelings
- Set limits and help your child problem-solve
Dr. Grossman is an SKLD board member, Chair of the Countdown to Kindergarten Program, with faculty appointments at the Ackerman Institute for the Family and NYU. She is a family therapist, occupational therapist, and public health expert on family resilience and special education policies and programs.