Adolescent boys with ADHD often have trouble making and keeping friends. According to Ryan Wexelblatt, a clinical social worker specializing in boys with ADHD, this is because they generally have lagging Social Executive Function (SEF) skills, which are the tools used to understand and interact appropriately with similar-age peers. As a result, these boys frequently run into trouble for saying impulsive or hurtful things, sending inappropriate or insensitive snaps, using cringy humor, or failing to “read the room” regarding acceptable behavior. Instead of spending time with family and peers, they retreat into a virtual world of gaming, which can become the gateway to not only problematic gaming behaviors but to loneliness, social isolation, depression, and social anxiety.
Your son’s peers are not going to befriend him because of his intelligence or skill at video games, says Wexelblatt. Rather, they will befriend him because of common interests, a shared sense of humor, or the ability to bond over mutual experiences, and if your son shows interest in them. Improving these skills and behaviors comes slowly. And because ADHD is a condition of inconsistent performance, the process often seems to take three steps forward and one step back.
Take Action
If you’re concerned that your son is struggling socially, Wexelblatt encourages you not to wait to see if things will improve with time, but to take action. Following are his recommendations to help your tween and teen boys develop age-appropriate SEF skills and reduce their social anxiety.
Build social perspective-taking strategies. Similar-age peers—not parents—are the judges of kids’ social skills. Help your son understand how he comes across to others, how peers interpret his words and behaviors, based on the situation, and that there are social ramifications for what he says and does.
Example: “When you dropped off Matteo, you weren’t talking to him; you were on your phone. He tried to talk to you about a game, but you weren’t answering. Matteo didn’t feel good about that because he was trying to engage you, but you weren’t responding the way he expected.” Follow up by asking: “Do you think your behavior made him uncomfortable? How do you feel about that? Might you say or do something different next time?”
If your son disagrees with your explanation, Wexelblatt advises you to “step into your parental authority” and not get pulled into an argument. If you allow your child to direct the argument, “by the end, you won’t even be talking about the same topic.”
Normalize your son’s feelings of temporary social discomfort. Teach him that we all tend to feel uncomfortable in new social situations: anxiety goes up and then comes down. Wexelblatt stresses that to overcome social anxiety, kids must recognize that they can persevere through it.
Example: “Going into a new situation, you might become nervous, especially when you first get there, because you won’t know what to expect. But, as the day goes on and you get to know the other kids, you’ll become more comfortable and your anxiety will decrease.”
Learn not to accommodate his temporary distress. Don’t change your behavior to alleviate your child’s temporary anxiety. Instead, gently push him out of his comfort zone and expose him to tasks he finds difficult (e.g., ordering for himself, calling a peer about homework, arranging social dates). If you perform the task for him, his anxiety may decrease temporarily, but he will maintain his irrational thoughts about the task, won’t realize he can overcome those thoughts, and they may worsen with age.
Challenge the irrational thoughts causing their social anxiety. Fact-check for evidence to help your child see that his thoughts are unfounded.
Example: “What evidence do you have that Jayden will think it’s weird if you invite him over? Maybe he’ll be happy you asked him because he was too nervous to ask you.”
Build situational awareness—the ability to “read the room.” Before your child enters an unstructured social situation, use visual language to “frontload” what the setting will look and feel like and how to behave based on that.
Example: “When you get to the pool party, kids will likely already be in the pool. If you don’t want to get in right away, you can look around and see if there’s anyone at the picnic tables you’d like to talk to and go sit with them.”
Address behaviors and SEF challenges in the moment. Individuals with ADHD live in the moment—it’s either now or not now. Consequently, evidence-based treatment is training parents and teachers to focus on their child’s difficulties as they occur. Instead of social skills groups, teaching through videos, individual talk therapy, or play therapy, Wexelblatt underscores that “in the moment” teaching allows ADHD boys to learn experientially and be able to generalize the new skills later on.
This article is based on an ADDitude webinar by Ryan Wexelblatt, a licensed clinical social worker and former school social worker. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is Co-Founder of SPED*NET and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids.