When decision-making moves from parents to adult children, the road turns rocky in new ways, explains Sharon Saline, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in ADHD. Twenty-somethings long for independence. They want to figure things out for themselves—and that’s what they should be doing. But, as Saline states, emerging adulthood is a time of great change and instability with young adults learning as they go.
While it may be complicated and stressful for them to manage key aspects of their newfound autonomy, it’s challenging for you, as parents, to be there as a steady, loving force, supporting their transition to adulthood and boosting their confidence and self-esteem.
Following are Saline’s suggestions for how to support your adult child in living independently and meeting the challenges of emerging adulthood successfully:
1. Meet your young adult where they are, not where you think they should be. Get to know your 20-something as well as you can. Watch and listen to them with genuine curiosity to better understand their individual abilities, needs, academic/social/emotional development, interests, passions, and viewpoints. Manage any expectations and disappointments you may have. And always treat them with empathy and kindness, even during struggles or disagreements. Consider what you were like in your 20s and keep that separate from what they are like, suggests Saline. “It’s a different time and they are different people.”
2. Respect their boundaries. Saline stresses the importance of building a solid base of connected independence where your adult child manages their life independently, while knowing you are available when they need or ask for support. Work with them to brainstorm solutions for problems they are having, explore steps needed to work on lagging skills, and clarify how you can help most effectively. When they come to you with a question, “that means they’re coming to you with a question and want to work together for an answer,” says Saline. They do not want you to tell them what to do, run the show, or save them.
3. Choose your battles carefully. Agree on your role for giving reminders, when you will say nothing, when you will compromise, and when you may intervene. In all cases, reflect on what you’re going to say before responding. Avoid criticism or judgment and keep a sense of humor.
4. Get comfortable with discomfort. It’s acceptable to express reservations when their actions jeopardize their health or safety (e.g., not sleeping or eating healthfully; not adhering to treatment regimens; abusing budgets). But if they tell you they’ve got a less consequential situation under control, step back, wait, and maybe approach it again later depending on the outcome. You’ll need to tolerate the discomfort of letting them try things on their own, stumble (or fall), regroup, and try again. Have patience. Then, “you just have to believe in them and let them come to it.”
5. Give genuine encouragement and praise. A positive mental attitude helps boost self-confidence and promote wellbeing. Help nourish your young adult’s inner strength by paying attention to the positive. Make them feel good about what they can do. (“You may need extra skills and practice with time management, but you’re especially good at planning and organizing.”). Recognize their progress, and notice and acknowledge what’s going well, without judging its value or significance.
6. Encourage them to prioritize self-care. Guide your child to make time to do things they find helpful, enjoyable, and self-fulfilling. Examples include meditation, exercise, yoga, music, spending time outdoors, etc. Journaling is another way to help them recognize the activities that bring them happiness. It can be as simple as listing three positives that occurred each day (e.g., completed a project; had a good conversation with a friend; cooked a new recipe).
7. Know when to see a professional for yourself and when to recommend help for your adult child. Be aware of red flags, such as: not going to work or classes consistently; being late much of the time; having trouble getting out of bed; oversleeping or not sleeping enough; drinking too much coffee/feeling revved up daily; spending most of their time alone; experiencing panic attacks repeatedly; avoiding doing important tasks; not showering or eating regularly; self-medicating with alcohol or drugs; or partying excessively.
This article is based on a webinar, The 20-Something’s Guide to Living with ADHD, by Sharon Saline, Psy.D., an ADHD expert and author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is co-founder of SPED*NET, and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids.