Leslie Josel
Leslie Josel is the Principal of Order Out of Chaos, an organizing consulting firm specializing in student organizing. She is the author of several books, including the recently published How to Do It Now…Because It’s Not Going Away, as well as the creator of the award-winning Academic Planner: A Tool for Time Management.
As an ADHD/student coach for teens and college students, the No. 1 question I hear from parents is how can they convince their child that they need coaching. And the consistent response is: You can’t.
For coaching to work, you need trust and collaboration—two essential ingredients for building responsibility and accountability. When the process succeeds, coaching supports your teen in developing their own critical success skills and creating personalized solutions that fit the way your child thinks. It helps students keep on track, stay focused on their goals, gain clarity, and function more effectively. Plus it offers a safe forum for students to share concerns or struggles without fear of judgement or criticism.
In other words, coaching is about helping students bring about significant change. Or as I like to tell my students, “Be successful by choice and not by chance.”
Convince, Don’t Coerce
To achieve those ends, the student-coach relationship is not something in which your child can participate passively; it requires total commitment. And as you already know, it’s nearly impossible to convince someone to do something to which they are (or think they are) vehemently opposed. So here are a few of my suggestions:
- Approach the topic gently. Most coaches require a telephone or video consult with a prospective student before committing to the coaching process. I advise parents not to say to their child, “You need to work with a coach!” but instead take a small-step approach and ask if they would be willing to meet with a coach for a one-hour conversation to ask questions about coaching and how it might help them. This subtle difference in your approach can make all the difference in your child’s reaction.
- Explain the coaching process in terms your child can understand. I often compare an ADHD coach to an athletic coach or music instructor. No child is expected to just go out onto a sports field and play without learning the rules of the game or to go on stage without training, so why should a child with ADHD be expected to learn critical life skills all on their own?
- If your child is still shutting you down, try posing the big questions. Nothing brings a conversation to a screeching halt faster than nagging or intrusive questions. So instead of approaching the conversation with what you want her to do, try dialogue starters such as “So how do you feel about…?” or “What’s your plan to…?” or even “What’s getting in your way?” Starting conversations like this is a softer approach and may avoid that shutdown syndrome.
The best advice I can give you is to be honest with your teen. Explain to her what coaching is and what it’s not. Gather websites for her to check out, resources to explore, articles to read. Remind her gently that coaching is not someone telling her what to do, but someone guiding her toward building the necessary problem-solving skills she needs for learning and for life.
This article was adapted from ADDitude Magazine, where Leslie Josel writes a column called “Dear ADHD Family Coach®”. She answers readers’ questions on a range of ADHD parenting topics.
Related Smart Kids Topics
- How to Find an ADHD College Coach
- Executive Functioning: An Overview
- ADHD Coaching: Can It Work for Your Child?