For kids with learning differences, developing self-control skills can be particularly challenging. Those who lack age-appropriate self-control may exhibit behaviors such as these:
✓ Speak before being called on in class
✓ Leave their seat at inopportune times such as mid-meal or during instruction
✓ Become easily frustrated in the face of obstacles
✓ Tend to grab objects or touch people
✓ Struggle to wait their turn when playing a game
✓ Interrupt other people’s conversations
✓ Take the first action that occurs to them
Components of Self-Control
For students with learning differences, developing self-control skills can be particularly challenging, but with understanding and practice, they can improve significantly.
To better understand and support your child, it’s helpful to recognize that self-control can be broken down into 3 core components: impulse management, emotional regulation, and behavioral control. Below are some examples of how each manifests when these skills are well-developed:
- Impulse Management: Raising their hand instead of blurting out answers, taking turns in a group, considering the consequences before taking action
- Emotional Regulation: Identifying emotions as they arise, using coping strategies when upset, maintaining composure during challenging situations
- Behavioral Control: Following different rules for different environments, using appropriate voice levels and language for the audience and setting
Strategies to Strengthen Self-Control
- Practice Waiting: Waiting is hard! As with anything, the more your child practices, the easier this task will become. Start with short, concrete waits and encourage your child to count to 10 before acting, then gradually increase the duration as appropriate. As you do this, use timers so that they can “see” progress as it’s made. Saving money for a big-ticket item is another great way to make the waiting pay-off clear. Be sure to praise any successful waiting, no matter how brief.
- Increase Self-Awareness: Develop your child’s emotional vocabulary so that they have the words to identify a wide range of emotions. A wheel of emotions like this one can be helpful at the start.
- Verbal cues from you that acknowledge feelings rather than trying to convince your child to feel a certain way also make it easier to identify those feelings. Think “Yes, it’s disappointing that broke,” as opposed to “Don’t worry, we’ll get a new one.”
- Use a rating scale with your child to notice the gradations of a single emotion. “Is your anger closer to a 1 or a 5 right now?”
- Talk about physical signs of emotions (heart racing, tense muscles, bellyache, etc.)
- Notice patterns related to when certain emotions present themselves. What happens when your child is hungry? Sleepy? What kinds of actions bring about positive emotions?
- Build Resilience & Emotional Coping Strategies: When your child has a big emotion, they can’t process your ideas about how to cope with that emotion. They need to practice those skills when they are calm, so they can use them when they need them.
- Create a calming corner where fidgets and other sensory tools are easy to find
- Write out step-by-step calming instructions that your child can reference
- Practice slow-paced breathing together
- Develop a growth mindset by praising your child’s effort over the outcome
- Get Ahead of It: Whenever possible, set your child up for successful self-control. The easiest way to do this is to notice and praise success as it occurs: positive reinforcement is a powerful force for change. You can also try these ideas
- Use “stop and think” signs in spaces where impulses tend to take over (their desk, the pantry, their computer, or even their phone’s background image).
- Establish “If-Then” plans. “If I feel angry, then I will…”
- Try a pre-mortem. Consider the worst possible outcome and think through both how likely it is and how your child can respond.
- Role-play challenging situations.
- Create Consistency: As you and your child work together, collaborating across settings and amongst caregivers can lead to an even more powerful impact.
- Crowd Source. Start by sharing successful strategies with everyone involved in your child’s daily life (teachers, caregivers, coaches, and family members). What strategies work for your child? What are their self-control strengths? What are their self-control challenges?
- Build a 360 Toolkit. Take note of what your child responds well to across settings, and create a simple communication system that helps establish shared language that will make it easier for your child to internalize and apply these important skills.
As a parent, your consistent support makes a tremendous difference. Self-control develops gradually, and every small improvement is worth celebrating. Some days will be better than others, and that’s perfectly normal. Focus on progress, not perfection.
Keep in mind that children with learning differences may need more time and practice to develop self-control. Your patience and understanding create a safe space for them to learn and grow. With continued support and practice, your child can develop stronger self-control skills that will serve them well throughout their life.
Jenna Prada, M.Ed, a certified teacher and administrator, is the Director of Learning at Sadar Psychological.