Sibling bonds are unique and complex connections, explains David Sylvestro. Sylvestro’s career as a school psychologist working with kids with learning and attention challenges has provided him with an up-close-and-personal view of family dynamics, including the unique problems that may develop when one child has special needs, and another does not. In these families, Sylvestro notes, another layer of complexity is added to the family dynamics. Parents now have to deal with a range of intense feelings, tuning into the needs of both siblings, and taking on the roles of psychologists, behavior specialists, and interpreters.
Sylvestro points out that a wide range of dynamics may result. For example, in some families an emotional toll may be placed on the child without learning challenges: Parents may expect more of them, giving them extra responsibilities, and relying on them to be mini-parents to their sibling with challenges. In response, typical sibs may take on a heavier burden than necessary by trying to be “the perfect child,” a hyper-achiever, precociously mature, or hyper-empathic, driven to keep problems at bay because “it’s better for the family.” Or, in contrast, they might regress or act out to get attention, do poorly in school, become clingy, distance themselves from the family, or become promiscuous or asocial.
At the other end of the spectrum, typical siblings often benefit greatly from living with a brother or sister with learning challenges, ADHD, or other special needs. For example, they often credit their family dynamic with helping them learn tolerance; sensitivity; perspective-taking (I understand it’s harder for my sib); forgiveness; affiliation (We belong together as a family); patience; independence; resilience; loyalty; emotional expression (It’s hard for me when I need help and my parents are focusing on my sib); how to be less judgmental; and how to be persistent in the face of frustration.
Following are common feelings Sylvestro found that siblings— both with and without issues— have about each other. Knowing how both sibs feel is key to understanding what’s behind their behaviors. Knowing that is an important first step in addressing these complex family dynamics.
Below, in their own words, are what both sets of siblings feel about each other:
What kids want their sibs with LD/ADHD and parents to know:
- It makes me crazy when you tell on me for every little thing I do or say.
- It’s hard when you get so frustrated with me, even when I’m trying to help you.
- Why do you ALWAYS cry if you don’t get your way?
- I know you can do way more things than Mom and Dad ask you to do, but you complain and complain until you get out of doing them.
- I worry about you even when I’m so pissed off at you.
- You always make up bad things that I’m doing to you. When I ask you not to do something, you tell mom & dad that I hit you. I didn’t hit you. I just wanted some private time.
- I’m frustrated I can’t have my friends come over to the house.
- You’re so mean to Mom and Dad.
- It’s so frustrating when you beg me to play a game with you and then when I do, you whine as soon as you start to lose and then quit.
- It would be so much better if we’d work out problems together ourselves, instead of you telling on me to Mom and Dad.
- I can’t understand how you get all the attention and still whine and complain.
- Why do you act one way in front of Mom and Dad and totally different when you’re with me?
- I know things are hard for you, but you make it impossible for me to feel bad for you and try to help, because when I try to help you get upset and reject me.
- It’s not fun when you butt in when I’m with my friends and then tell on me when I get angry and ask you to leave.
What kids with LD/ADHD want their sibs and parents to know:
- When you remind me that you can do something better than I can, my feelings get hurt and I feel stupider.
- I can feel embarrassed about the level of work I do in school, so I’d rather not hear that you think my work is easy, even if you’re trying to help.
- It’s hard for me to pay attention and catch up on things. I can usually only remember about 10 seconds of directions that take a minute for you to tell me.
- I feel bad that nobody believes that simple things can be so difficult for me. I’m not doing it on purpose. I’m not looking for attention. Even if I was able to do it before, it may not be easy for me to do it again.
- I get frustrated when I lose almost every argument because you can talk faster than I can. I don’t have the language to be able to negotiate or resolve conflicts like you can.
- When I get angry and say mean things, I usually don’t mean them exactly that way—I’m just responding to the emotion I feel at the time.
- It’s all more frustrating than you could ever imagine.
- I hate it when you tease me in front of your friends or my friends.
- I love it when you say something nice to your friends about me or about something I can do.
This article is based on Kids with Special Needs: Extraordinary Parenting, Strong Siblings, a SPED*NET presentation by school psychologist David Sylvestro. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is President of SPED*NET, and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids. Click here for a recording of the webinar.
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