Many young adults with ADHD find it challenging to live on their own for the first time. Author and clinical psychologist Sharon Saline, Psy.D. explains that it’s complicated and stressful for emerging adults to manage key aspects of independent living such as work, medication management, social relationships, finances, housing, and healthcare. As parents, you can support your 20-somethings in understanding and addressing many nuances of “adulting,” by setting realistic goals, and, most importantly, encouraging them to believe in themselves.
To help your young adult create the life they want, Saline suggests you work with them to develop the following essential tools:
Ask for and accept help when needed.
Understanding limitations and learning how to manage them is a strength, says Saline. “A growth mindset nurtures resilience: You try something, see what happens, continue if it’s working, and pivot if it isn’t.”
Having a growth mindset, however, often relies on mentors for assistance—parental figures, caring colleagues, therapists, coaches, or friends. Be sure your young adult doesn’t think that, just because they may need help with a task, something is wrong with them. Urge them to “talk to themselves kindly,” appreciate and take advantage of their own strengths, and recognize feedback as information, instead of criticism.
Pursue supports and accommodations.
There are many accommodations available for neurodivergent young adults through the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Your 20-something might have legal rights that they are not aware of, both in higher education and in the workplace.
Encourage them to research treatments and supports for adults with ADHD and executive function (EF) deficits, and help them plan for the accommodations they’ll need at their job, based on their actual capabilities. For example, if they struggled in college with planning, organizing, prioritizing and following-through, it’s likely they will need to address comparable EF challenges at work with similar supports (e.g., a quiet work space, remote work flexibility, an adaptable schedule, noise cancelling headphones, various Assistive Technology tools, etc.).
Be accountable.
Model how to manage time and be punctual for appointments. Offer strategies such as using analog clocks/watches, timers, and cellphone alerts and notifications; prioritize tasks, chores, and activities, starting with what’s urgent; and teach them the value of writing down things they need to know or do or using apps that will help them remember.
Manage big emotions.
Saline explains that young adults have “tidal waves of big feelings,” such as anxiety, anger, sadness, and disappointment. Discuss how to slow things down, assess difficult situations thoughtfully, and gauge words and actions effectively.
Suggest that your 20-something pause and notice when they’re having uncomfortable physical reactions; do something to take themselves away from whatever is triggering their negative responses and help them re-group (go to the bathroom, wash their face, do an alternate type of breathing, or get some fresh air); and, when they feel more organized, return to their activity.
Balance social interactions with recovery time.
Growing up, your child’s recovery time was structured for them, explains Saline. Adults, on the other hand, are on their own. Twenty-somethings might think they can “work, party, sleep, work, party, sleep,” but such a relentless schedule is neither healthy nor sustainable. Have honest conversations about their needs concerning down-time and alone-time, and brainstorm the best ways to use their time.
Manage mental and physical health.
Young adults who don’t eat well, get enough sleep, or take their medications dependably are bound to struggle.
Demonstrate how to manage a weekly pill container, refill it at a set time, make sure it’s kept in a consistent, easy-to-access spot, and pack extra doses in case any are forgotten.
Assist them in creating healthy routines with a balanced diet and regular exercise to keep their mood and sleep patterns stable. Consider finding a coach or therapist to help them modify ineffective habits, improve executive functioning skills, set realistic goals, stay positive, and work on ways to be successful in daily activities.
Introduce active listening and reflecting-back tools.
Your young adult may end up living with new roommates or working with associates they don’t know, like, or understand. Review likely conflicts that may occur and role-play responses and negotiations. For example, when a noisy housemate disrupts their sleep, yelling at them isn’t going to help. Saline suggests they sit down with their roommate and explain how they feel: “I feel frustrated when you’re gaming until 2:00 in the morning very loudly, because I need to be up at 7:00. What can we do to work this out?”
They should listen to the roommate’s response, repeat back what they hear, and state their needs again, if the roommate doesn’t get it. “I need more than five hours of sleep. What can we do to solve this problem?” Saline clarifies that the goal is a fair compromise where no one gets everything they want, but both are comfortable with a “good enough” plan.
Befriend finances.
Finances are complicated for everyone, especially people with ADHD, and learning to manage them is a big step. Help your young adult understand and prepare a budget; fill out simple tax forms; open a bank account; read a bank statement; balance a checking account; and choose the most appropriate credit card for their needs.
This article is based on an ADDitude webinar, The 20-Something’s Guide to Living with ADHD, by Sharon Saline, Psy.D., an ADHD expert and author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is co-founder of SPED*NET, and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids.