Leslie Josel
Leslie Josel is the Principal of Order Out of Chaos, an organizing consulting firm specializing in student organizing. She is the author of several books, including How to Do It Now…Because It’s Not Going Away, as well as the creator of the award-winning Academic Planner: A Tool for Time Management.
As a student coach for high school and college students with ADHD, I see this behavior frequently. It’s not uncommon for high school seniors to experience this kind of inner turmoil when facing the transition to college. It’s as if the impending change triggers fear or anxiety, leading them to act out or disengage from their current responsibilities.
The good news is you do not need to carry this burden alone.
First, your son’s therapist’s “Are you adulting vs. studenting?” approach is a valuable framework. Hopefully, it will help him identify the contrast between his current student responsibilities and the more independent adult life he’s approaching. This can open a non-judgmental conversation about his feelings, concerns, and uncertainty about the future.
Graduating from high school is a major life change. If he is an overthinker or worrier, he could be overwhelmed and scared, as you say. His actions may be telling you what he can’t express in words.
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You mention that he’s unsure of college. Remind him gently that he doesn’t have to decide about college for several months. Present him with alternative options, such as taking a gap year or attending a local community college in your area.
I’m also a firm believer in natural consequences. This means that just because he was accepted to several colleges doesn’t mean he automatically gets to go. As his parent, you have the right to set clear and fair expectations for him regarding academic performance. So, make sure he is fully aware that his unwillingness to do any schoolwork will not only affect his college acceptances but also your willingness to allow him to attend.
Second, it’s time to enlist the help of his school guidance counselor and teachers. You mention that his teachers have noticed his lack of motivation. Have they spoken with him about the natural consequences of his actions or, in this case, his inactions? They can help him see what he needs to do to graduate in terms of schoolwork and the importance of grades in securing those college acceptances.
Have you visited the colleges that have accepted your son? It has been my experience that college visits on the campuses of the schools that students want to attend make them more comfortable with the transition and motivate them to keep working towards the goal of attending. It’s as if they can feel it. And by feeling it, it became more real.
My sense is that, if he has gotten this far in school successfully and has already been accepted to four colleges, he will make it to the finish line. This may be a slight detour. The transition to college is a complex and challenging process for everyone, and particularly overwhelming for students with ADHD. Be supportive but fair. I hope that, with your support and the support of his therapist and school team, he can find his way forward and embrace the opportunities that lie ahead.
This article was adapted from ADDitude Magazine, where Leslie Josel writes a column called “Dear ADHD Family Coach®”. She answers readers’ questions on a range of ADHD parenting topics.
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