By Eve Kessler, Esq.

“Establishing and maintaining social relationships are critical skills that all kids need to develop,” says school psychologist David Sylvestro. Without friends, kids feel defeated, but developing and retaining friendships can be difficult for kids with learning and attention challenges. Sylvestro suggests making friends is harder than it might seem at first glance, as indicated by this laundry list of abilities he maintains kids need to successfully befriend others. They must be able to:

• Recognize emotions in themselves and others 
• Regulate and manage strong emotions
• Listen and communicate clearly and accurately  
• Take other people’s perspectives 
• Identify and attribute problems accurately 
• Plan, problem-solve, and make sound decisions 
• Cooperate, negotiate, and manage conflict non-violently
• Respect themselves and others and appreciate the differences
• Work cooperatively in groups
• Approach others and build positive relationships
• Resist negative peer pressure
• Recognize their strengths and areas of need
• Seek help from and provide help to others
• Set positive and realistic goals
• Demonstrate ethical and social responsibility

How You Can Support Your Child 

To help your child improve the skills they may not yet be proficient in, Sylvestro offers the following strategies and techniques:

Help your child expand their vocabulary so they can clearly explain how they’re feeling. Use facial expression charts; talk about your range of emotions; watch television shows and movies with the volume off, pause the program, and discuss what you think the characters are feeling.

Practice active listening. Respond to your child’s emotions, and attach labels to their experiences. For example, “Sounds like that must have been frustrating for you.” Or, “I can see why that made you happy.”

Identify and practice the language of conflict resolution. For example, how to be assertive, cooperative, collaborative, competitive, and avoidant, to stand up for oneself, and to be able to compromise.

Identify and model friendly facial expressions, body language, and tones of voice. As above, use facial expression charts; discuss the scope of your own feelings; and use characters in television shows and movies, both with and without sound, to discuss how to discern specific feelings from facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.

Role-play greetings and “I’m with you” expressions: “Continue, please. I’m interested in what you’re saying.” “That sounds great; what happened next?” “Oh, really? Tell me more.”

Articulate, practice, and highlight family values. In a positive way, help your kids identify the behaviors you value and what your specific attitudes reflect. Use constructive, affirmative phrases such as “Show patience,” stated calmly, instead of negative reprimands, such as, “Don’t interrupt” or “Stop interrupting.”  Let your kids feel appreciated, instead of beaten down.

Provide supplemental speech and language services if needed. Your child might require an independent specialist, in addition to the school-based Speech and Language Pathologist.

Have your child complete a Self-Awareness Worksheet, which recognizes strengths and needs. The worksheet serves as a guide for ongoing conversations about how to manage future challenges. The questions give your child the opportunity to be self-reflective by focusing on “Who am I?”, addressing specific qualities, values, and perceptions, and rating themselves on how well they deal with certain situations (eg., losing her temper; caring about how friends feel; handling stress; sharing problems). Use the search term Self-Awareness Worksheets for Students to access free, age-appropriate forms online.

Encourage self-advocacy skills at home, at school, and in the community. Being a good self-advocate is an essential skill for relationship-building and a fundamental skill for life.

This post is based on Staying Engaged on the Social Front: Promoting Self-Esteem at Home and School, by school psychologist David Sylvestro. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney, is the Executive Director of SPED*NET, and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids. 

Related Smart Kids Topics

• Get Engaged on the Social Front
• Social-Emotional Skill Building