Smart Kids With LD

By Judy Grossman, DrPH, OTR

We all know that sibling relationships run the gamut from best friends to worst enemies. Who hasn’t been jealous of a brother or sister? Although sibling rivalry is normal, it may become problematic if one child has learning difficulties, and the parents devote a great deal of attention to that child.

Even in families where parents have the best intentions and conscientiously attend to the needs of each child, siblings of a child with LD or ADHD often report that they experience unfair treatment and are troubled by sibling relationships.

Unfair Treatment

Sibling reactions differ depending on age, family dynamics, and individual characteristics of the children involved. Often sibling rivalry may stem from the behavior of their parents. A sibling may become angry or jealous because of the attention—positive or negative—that the child with LD or ADHD receives. Resentment may increase if the sibling feels pressure to perform a certain way to make his parents feel better.

Brother’s Keeper

Parents may expect more from the non-LD/ADHD sibling and give him additional responsibilities to help his brother or sister. In some families the sibling becomes protective and assumes a caretaker role because he is sensitive to his parents’ frustrations.

The pain and resentment experienced by the non-LD/ADHD sibling may not be apparent because he seems to be functioning well. In contrast, a non-LD/ADHD sibling who feels rejected may become withdrawn or hostile. If the situation persists, he may feel alienated from the family and develop problematic high-risk behaviors to get the attention he craves from his parents.

Provoking a Reaction

Sibling issues may also stem from direct interactions between children. A child with LD or ADHD may provoke or overstimulate his sibling. The child with LD or ADHD may be impulsive, disorganized or moody at home and the sibling’s response may be confrontational or distancing. He may join the scapegoating process that is part of the family dynamics.

If the child with LD or ADHD has problems in school or with peers, the sibling may act protectively or may withdraw because he is embarrassed.

It is equally important for parents to recognize that the child with LD or ADHD may resent how easy it is for his sibling to complete assignments, make friends, excel in extracurricular activities, manage time, and receive praise from parents.

	Managing Sibling Issues Use the following guidelines to examine issues that may be contributing to tension between your children: Communication. Really listen and acknowledge your children’s feelings. Even if you think the comments are unjustified, they reflect his or her experience. Encourage each child to express the anger and frustration she may feel toward her sibling. Education. Educate the entire family about LD or ADHD. Explain the practical effects of the disorder on everyday life. Share information about learning differences and explain why you spend more time with one child helping with homework, attending school conferences, and going to appointments. Describe the ways you give each child the support and attention he needs and deserves. Give examples to clarify misunderstanding. Focus the conversation on strengths and differences, not on problems. Individual Needs. Treat each child according to his individual needs, rather than worrying about treating each child the same. Siblings may differ significantly in personality, abilities, special attributes, and coping styles. Do not brush aside the needs of the non-LD/ADHD child even if they seem less important or serious. Do not make comparisons. Instead describe the behavior that you see, how you feel, and what should be done. Roles. Do not lock your child into a role (“problem child,” “good child,” “successful child”). If the family labels one child as the problem, it may lower expectations for that child and cause siblings to aim unrealistically high. It’s important not to place more demands on a sibling to compensate for the lack of achievement of his brother or sister with LD or ADHD. Parenting Practices. Don’t judge or referee. And don’t get into the habit of blaming one child; it’s difficult to know who provokes. Don’t reward fighting with attention; reward children when they get along. With older siblings, don’t interfere with their battles. The interactions can teach them about compromise, compassion, and connection. Handle problems with consistency and give clear messages.