Ask any parent of a child with ADHD and they’ll tell you that life often feels like a never-ending roller coaster ride. There are days when your child comes home from school demoralized, dejected, frustrated, or angry. They’ve had another bad day, which means you and the family are in for another stress-filled evening.
They need structure but resent rules; need reminders but resent nagging; need limits but resent feeling dependent; they’re drawn to unhealthy behaviors but resent warnings. But then there are days—or times during the day—when your child is not anxious or overwhelmed, when they feel good about themself, and when you no longer feel like you’re walking on eggshells. they are active, motivated, focused, creative, and resilient. It’s at those times that their life and your family life are calmer and more productive.
While the ups and downs may not be entirely preventable, ensuring that your family has an understanding of your child’s condition should help create a less stressful home environment.
Check Your Expectations
You can’t expect your child with ADHD to be at the same developmental level as their peers without ADHD. Kids with ADHD have physiological differences that involve a delay in brain maturation and lead to certain developmental delays. The neurological development of non-ADHD peers continues at least through age 25, with the part of the brain in charge of executive functioning—the prefrontal cortex—among the last areas of the brain to mature.
For your child with ADHD, the development of the prefrontal cortex may lag up to five years behind that of their peers. That means your 13-year-old may be functioning more like a 10-year-old when it comes to maturity, ability to self-regulate and interact socially, and development of life skills. It means your 18-year-old may not be “ready to launch” without clear, direct instruction in the basics of living away from home independently: doing laundry, paying bills, balancing a checkbook, filling a prescription, and shopping for food.
Other Factors
Your child’s ability to engage in age-appropriate behavior may be further complicated by a hypersensitive central nervous system, where instead of feeling comfortable in their own body, noises sound louder, fabrics feel scratchier, and the texture of food needs to be just right.
Also, keep in mind that two-thirds of kids with ADHD are diagnosed with at least one co-existing condition, such as anxiety, learning disabilities, depression, dyslexia, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or a sleep disorder, which impacts their ability to meet age-appropriate expectations. Make sure to have your child expertly evaluated, both neurologically and educationally, to have a comprehensive psychological diagnosis and a full academic picture of their strengths and needs.
Although your instinct may be to push your child to “keep up” or “fit in” with their peers, such pressure is the opposite of what they need to feel good about themselves and thrive.
Listen, Acknowledge, Help
Listen to your child before speaking, acknowledge what’s difficult for them, and help them address problems. Whether a problem sounds important to you or not, your child’s brain doesn’t distinguish well between types of problems or prioritize them appropriately. Because of their inconsistent emotional regulation, they may be thrown into an unwarranted panic mode.
Help them feel good about themselves by listening to them and by accepting and embracing who they are, differences and all. They might just need to be heard; they might need soothing words and a long, firm hug, or they might need something more.
For example, if your child longs to fit into a group of peers at school but misses social cues and, subsequently spirals out of control, allow them to calm down and re-group with downtime when they get home. Let them explain their perception of what happened; then, re-frame their faux pas and laugh about it as a difference, not a problem. Discuss and role-play responses they can use the next time a similar situation occurs.
Along with showing respect, compassion, and overriding love, teach your child strategies they will need to get through another day and empower them with skills they will need for life.
This article is based on The Impact of ADHD on the Family, a presentation by Ellen Littman, Ph.D., sponsored by Smart Kids with Learning Disabilities, and What the ADHD Brain Wants (and Why), an article by Dr. Littman, published in.ADDitude Magazine. Eve Kessler, Esq., a former criminal appellate attorney is President of SPED*NET, and a Contributing Editor of Smart Kids.