Increasing the Odds of Success for Your Child with ADHD
By Ellen Littman, Ph.D.
Most parents of children with ADHD worry about their child’s potential for success. The truth is there are countless powerful, confident, high-achieving leaders who have managed to capitalize on behaviors associated with ADHD. David Neeleman, founder of JetBlue Airways, Richard Branson of Virgin Air, Paul Orfalea founder of Kinko’s, and countless artists, inventors and athletes join the ranks of Einstein and Edison as adults who became leaders in their field because of their ADHD qualities—not despite them. Understanding what enables some to transcend their difficulties may provide guidance for concerned parents—especially given the important role they play in their child’s future.
In the Eye of the Beholder
Many people demonstrate behaviors associated with ADHD at times, but to meet the clinical criteria for ADHD, one must be “significantly impaired” by these behaviors on a regular basis. And in defining “impairment,” much is in the eye of the beholder.
To assess impairment, a growing number of ADHD experts are turning to a strengths-based approach. This type of analysis considers individuals within their environment, and evaluates how well they’re able to balance their gifts and challenges. In this model, the degree of impairment is determined by the fit between a child’s abilities and the demands of his environment. When viewed through that lens, what may be considered ‘impaired’ is far more subjective than one might expect.
What Does This Mean for Parents?
The way parents interpret and label their child’s behavior is critical for how that child develops. Often a parent’s assessment of how significantly a child is affected by ADHD is internalized by that child, which can either impair or bolster his self-appraisal.
Likewise, a parent’s view may determine whether they advocate for their child or apologize for the child’s behavior, again contributing to feelings of worthiness.
Some parents, attuned to their child’s low frustration tolerance, tailor family life around the “impaired” child. Anticipating their child’s challenges, parents intervene often, running interference and correcting behavior deemed inappropriate. But this well-meaning approach inadvertently communicates to the child that he requires protection because his skills and judgment are not good enough. He is likely to conclude that he’s not competent, which may cause him to make less effort as he anticipates others will step in on his behalf.
At the other end of the spectrum are parents that applaud their child’s attempts at problem-solving, deeming their often unusual solutions good enough. These parents tolerate their own anxieties about their child’s performance, giving precedence to their child’s sense of efficacy, and confirming that their vision is valued—the foundation for self-acceptance and confidence.
Round Pegs, Square Holes
Parents can foster strength by identifying and nurturing areas of competence and emphasizing ADHD-friendly environments that reward imagination, passion, and tenacity, making home the clearest example. Teach empathy and responsibility, labeling setbacks as experience to be learned from.
A significant study asking young adults with ADHD what helped them most found that having an accepting, supportive person in their lives was the critical factor.
This is not to suggest that living with ADHD is free of pain and struggle. Even the standard diagnostic manual categorizes ADHD as a childhood psychiatric disorder of disruptive behavior - a remnant of earlier research emphasizing hyperactivity and impulsivity. While we now recognize the cornerstone of ADHD as regulation of the brain’s executive functions, with or without hyperactivity, the ‘disruptive’ label still looms over the complex issue.
Those who march to a different drummer may also resist following directions. Visionaries take risks that may endanger as well as free them. A mind flexible enough to be open to countless new ideas and patterns is often resistant to confining itself to any one of them.
Since many schools continue to focus on remediating deficits rather than fostering strengths, children with ADHD will continue to struggle. Much of adult life demands the kind of linear thinking favored in classrooms; it is a gift to assure your child that the non-linear innovator has much to offer as well.
Reframing the way parents interpret and label the fit between their children’s skills and the environment can communicate empowerment rather than limitation, adaptation rather than impairment. Parents can be spinmeisters who validate their child’s attempts to negotiate a minefield of ill-fitting demands. Many successful adults with ADHD grew up perceiving themselves as having limitless possibilities. Within that freedom to dream lie the seeds of success for all children with ADHD.